Thursday, June 9, 2011

What I know for sure

In homage to Oprah (whom I miss on my TV already) here are the things that I KNOW FOR SURE:

It has been a LONG time….2010 was my Alexander year (as in terrible, horrible, no good and very bad) and even though I want to blame it on the recessional economy, a midlife crisis, or whatever other excuses come to mind the bottom line is that I wanted to pretend that 2010 never existed (and maybe that I didn’t exist either.) As a part of that bad year, I acted out and in both thoughts, words and deeds, I ended up hurting people that I cared about and as a result of the pain, anger and embarrassment that I was feeling, I retreated. I wallowed. I self-medicated/comforted with food and alcohol. I denied and mostly I ATE. But then, as 2010 gave way into 2011….I forgave, I started to heal, and I started to seek joy and peace through this journey called life.

……The other 6 things I know for sure are just a piece of the things I have learned along the way……..

1. Life is Messy…..Life is not perfect, and I am not perfect. Sh*t happens even though we try to pretend that we can control everything. I am reminded of this fact daily. Perfectly illustrated this week as I was preparing my lunch and had everything laid out and went to shake my dressing into my broccoli slaw and it exploded on me, leaving my lunch, my kitchen and me dripping in sesame dressing and raw veggies…ON TWO DIFFERENT DAYS this week---I SO need new Tupperware! But I got the message that the universe was sending me…slow down, be more patient, and perhaps prepare lunch before getting ready. Reminds me of this poem: I have known both good and ill, sin and virtue, justice and injustice, I have passed judgement and been judged myself, I have gone through death and birth, joy and sorrow, heaven and hell and in the end I recognize that I am a part of everything and that everything is a part of me.

2. I WILL STRUGGLE WITH FOOD ALL MY LIFE...I hope that someday the struggle shifts to maintence, but I now know that food will always be my best friend. I will long enjoy the first bite of my favorite indulgences, but I no longer need to let it consume me, ingulf me and be my all time obsession, compulsion and end all be all.

3. THE ONLY THING I HAVE COMPLETE POWER OVER...IS ME...and this translates into, I control what goes into my mouth. I have long heard other people telling me this but it never clicked for whatever reason, and when times got turbulent or even celebratory, I turned to food like it was the last mealI would ever eat. But it finally clicked, and now when things get tough, and the work stress is in overload, I realize that I need to hunker down and take responsibility and exercise choice in what I choose to put in my mouth.

4. YO-YO'ING IS BAD....No, not the silly child's toy on a string (how did that toy ever get invented anyways? That was more like a weapon than a toy...the things they used to let us play with!) I can gain and lose 10 pounds in about an hour, and have been repeatedly since March. This is the first year in a decade that I did not set a New Year's resolution that had to do with dieting, but nonetheless I did restart WW for the zillionth time. Sailed through Jan and Feb and lost 30 pounds, but have been playing around ever since. This stops today and you will find my butt parked firmly in the seat at tonights meeting, commited to stopping the yo-yo effect.

5. WORTHINESS APPEARS TO BE THE COMMON DENOMINATOR...not just in weight issues, but with the human condition. We are all seeking worthiness and love in every moment. I have struggled with worthiness for a lifetime and am constantly needing to remind myself that I have just as much right to belong on this planet as everybody else. As part of my healing process(es) this year, I joined a chorus....but I don't have a great voice, not even a good voice and am constantly fighting the internal struggle that tells me I am not good enough to belong....pushing through that struggle and finding acceptance and learning to love my singing voice has made such a difference in...well, me!

6. SUPPORT IS NECESSARY....and needed and wanted! The aformentioned chorus has shown me the most unconditional love and reminded me that at the end of the day it is about the relationships we have and the ones that we allow ourselves to be open to that makes the world go round.

In my chorus, we sing the song "For Good" and one of the verses says....I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason,bringing something we must learn
And we are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them and we help them in return Well, I don't know if I believe that's true but I know I'm who I am today because I knew you... (couldn't have said it better myself!)

Thank you for helping me become who I am today

1 comment:

  1. I came across my link to your blog, and I'm glad. It's wonderful to be a part of something bigger than ourselves. And, I agree about the "feeling worthy" thing. We can think of millions of reasons we shouldn't do something, or shouldn't belong. My motto is, "If you don't sing good, sing loud!". I've been saying it for years. :) And, if you sing loud (especially in the car) it makes you laugh. And, as we all know, laughter is the best medicine. Hugs. xoxo