Tuesday, June 14, 2011

War Paint

Had a major Ah-ha moment this past weekend while performing. We are required to wear make-up when we perform, which makes perfect sense for stage lighting, just not so much sense for me. I have had a ton of anxiety surrounding this as I do not own make up nor wear it nor even know which lotions, potions, and bottles do what. [Prior to chorus, I have only worn make-up at prom or my wedding and then it was professionally applied, you can’t leave something like that in my incapable hands]

Real conversation I have had--- “Liner? What is that and where does it go?” Needless to say, this whole singing thing has really challenged me to step outside of my comfort zone! They call our non-competition look “heavy street” I just didn’t realize until the first time I put it on that street must stand for streetwalker, aka the happy hooker look! Don’t even get me started with how many layers are required for the competition stage.

This weekend while in my ‘war paint’ I happened to catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror while washing my hands and did not know who the person was that was looking back from the mirror---totally startled me at first, then I had this momentous wake up call that I do not, did not, don’t wanna wear makeup because I wanted to be invisible. ME…the larger than life personality, the life of the party, the totally comfortable performing and love to be at the front of the classroom persona….really wants to fade quietly to black, invisible and non-existent.

How this wake up call helps me in my weight loss journey remains to be seen…but I know that I want to live a life where I don’t want to feel invisible, fire engine red lipstick and all!

Thursday, June 9, 2011

What I know for sure

In homage to Oprah (whom I miss on my TV already) here are the things that I KNOW FOR SURE:

It has been a LONG time….2010 was my Alexander year (as in terrible, horrible, no good and very bad) and even though I want to blame it on the recessional economy, a midlife crisis, or whatever other excuses come to mind the bottom line is that I wanted to pretend that 2010 never existed (and maybe that I didn’t exist either.) As a part of that bad year, I acted out and in both thoughts, words and deeds, I ended up hurting people that I cared about and as a result of the pain, anger and embarrassment that I was feeling, I retreated. I wallowed. I self-medicated/comforted with food and alcohol. I denied and mostly I ATE. But then, as 2010 gave way into 2011….I forgave, I started to heal, and I started to seek joy and peace through this journey called life.

……The other 6 things I know for sure are just a piece of the things I have learned along the way……..

1. Life is Messy…..Life is not perfect, and I am not perfect. Sh*t happens even though we try to pretend that we can control everything. I am reminded of this fact daily. Perfectly illustrated this week as I was preparing my lunch and had everything laid out and went to shake my dressing into my broccoli slaw and it exploded on me, leaving my lunch, my kitchen and me dripping in sesame dressing and raw veggies…ON TWO DIFFERENT DAYS this week---I SO need new Tupperware! But I got the message that the universe was sending me…slow down, be more patient, and perhaps prepare lunch before getting ready. Reminds me of this poem: I have known both good and ill, sin and virtue, justice and injustice, I have passed judgement and been judged myself, I have gone through death and birth, joy and sorrow, heaven and hell and in the end I recognize that I am a part of everything and that everything is a part of me.

2. I WILL STRUGGLE WITH FOOD ALL MY LIFE...I hope that someday the struggle shifts to maintence, but I now know that food will always be my best friend. I will long enjoy the first bite of my favorite indulgences, but I no longer need to let it consume me, ingulf me and be my all time obsession, compulsion and end all be all.

3. THE ONLY THING I HAVE COMPLETE POWER OVER...IS ME...and this translates into, I control what goes into my mouth. I have long heard other people telling me this but it never clicked for whatever reason, and when times got turbulent or even celebratory, I turned to food like it was the last mealI would ever eat. But it finally clicked, and now when things get tough, and the work stress is in overload, I realize that I need to hunker down and take responsibility and exercise choice in what I choose to put in my mouth.

4. YO-YO'ING IS BAD....No, not the silly child's toy on a string (how did that toy ever get invented anyways? That was more like a weapon than a toy...the things they used to let us play with!) I can gain and lose 10 pounds in about an hour, and have been repeatedly since March. This is the first year in a decade that I did not set a New Year's resolution that had to do with dieting, but nonetheless I did restart WW for the zillionth time. Sailed through Jan and Feb and lost 30 pounds, but have been playing around ever since. This stops today and you will find my butt parked firmly in the seat at tonights meeting, commited to stopping the yo-yo effect.

5. WORTHINESS APPEARS TO BE THE COMMON DENOMINATOR...not just in weight issues, but with the human condition. We are all seeking worthiness and love in every moment. I have struggled with worthiness for a lifetime and am constantly needing to remind myself that I have just as much right to belong on this planet as everybody else. As part of my healing process(es) this year, I joined a chorus....but I don't have a great voice, not even a good voice and am constantly fighting the internal struggle that tells me I am not good enough to belong....pushing through that struggle and finding acceptance and learning to love my singing voice has made such a difference in...well, me!

6. SUPPORT IS NECESSARY....and needed and wanted! The aformentioned chorus has shown me the most unconditional love and reminded me that at the end of the day it is about the relationships we have and the ones that we allow ourselves to be open to that makes the world go round.

In my chorus, we sing the song "For Good" and one of the verses says....I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason,bringing something we must learn
And we are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them and we help them in return Well, I don't know if I believe that's true but I know I'm who I am today because I knew you... (couldn't have said it better myself!)

Thank you for helping me become who I am today

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Keep Going

This has ceased to be fun.....how many more days can I come on here and talk the talk when I am not really walking the walk. I am "officially" struggling with food, every bite has become mental and physical warfare! Today I ate more food (company picnic) than I would normally eat in a week---and totally feel sick over it!

I know that I should adopt the NGAMO attitude, but I do feel guilt and lots of it....and to make it even worse I am planning to head to a sad movie [I am sad today and need a "reason" to cry] and eat an entire bucket of full on buttered popcorn.

However I am PLANNING on this being it. I am going to wake up transformed, the old Jolene back in place of this one and will be back on program, eating on the straight and narrow.

Churchill once said "When You Are Going Through Hell....Keep Going!" I PLAN TO KEEP GOING!

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Eating My Way Through The Day

My day is in dire need of a Ctrl+Alt+Delete!

It all started with a shriveled up apple, a past-the-expiration date piece of string cheese and yogurt and some really nasty Trader Joe's spinach lasagna (this was all I could find in the house to take for lunch, since NO, I did not make it to the grocery store yet) and not a thing to eat for breakfast. This all set the stage for me to eat....and eat....and eat....and then eat somemore. Cake left in the breakroom became breakfast, I raided everyone's food drawers repeatedly throughout the day, and then Justin invited me for thai food for lunch (one cannot say no to thai food!) and then after that it just became a food free-for-all

Logically and rationally I know that I am eating as a direct correlation to major work stress, and to crowd out feelings that I do not want to feel---however I also know quite logically and rationally to not touch the stove when it is hot and that has not stopped me in the past!

I am really tired of being here in this exact spot....fighting the food whirlpool....but I do want to fight the good fight! So hitting Ctrl+Alt+Delete and will get right back on track for dinner (and may even find my way to the grocery store---trying to decide if groceries or clean clothes to wear tomorrow are more important?)

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Tuesday, August 3, 2010


Today I am wishing that I had one of these:

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Mostly so that I could go back and make better life choices, make way better food choices and to go back to a time that life was good again. I wish I could erase that I have been out of the office for 11 straight days and not have to face the mountains of paperwork, bajillion emails and calls and a sad resignation letter that is on my desk.

Alas....in real life there is no rewind button! I am not looking forward to the very long day ahead, which after work must also include unpacking, laundry and grocery shopping---however the scale has me down 3 pounds this week so I am hoping that fact will help me overcome the stresses of the day.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Today's Blog is Sponsored By the Letter Z

Today's Blog is sponsored by the letter Z.....Z for Zonie time!

Thats right, I am in Goshen, home of the Amazing Annual Amish Luau. While I could go on and on about how much zonie time means to me, what being a zonie has brought to my life, or why I am willing to travel 2180 miles to the middle of nowhere (where I don't even have cell phone reception in my hotel room for gosh sakes!)I decided that even with changing names to protect the innocent that some things are just better left unsaid in a public forum.

So with that I sign off for the next few days to relish the fun, friendship, and fellowship that my fellow zonies bring. I will check in with you from San Francisco on Monday!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Vacation Day 1

Coach, and Burberry, and Georgio Armani OH MY! How I love thee Chicago and your Magnificent Mile!

Vacation day 1 did not start out the way vacations are supposed to....got bad news from work, and then ended up needing to do a work lunch. However I did get a chance to trapse down the Mag Mile and found time to fall in love with a new purse---until I saw the price tag $2450! Yikes...I have always had champange tastes on a beer budget

Ended up at Ralph Lauren Grill and was happily introduced to Bellini's by 2 handsome attorneys from Pittsburgh(and here I thought Pittsburgh was uncultured!) then my work lunch arrived and she was more than down with drinking our way through the afternoon---so Bellinis all day long! Got a chance to mourn the news I was given today and be able to relax and let go and enjoy the next part of my trip

I gave myself the day off from eating OP....which is a good thing since I am sure there are crazy mad points in the Bellini, let alone what I had for dessert...but overall I am happy I made it out of Chicago with nary a deep dish pizza slice nor Garretts Carmel Corn bag in sight. I am back on program, refreshed and refocused and ready to move on to the fun part of said trip!