Keep Going

This has ceased to be fun.....how many more days can I come on here and talk the talk when I am not really walking the walk. I am "officially" struggling with food, every bite has become mental and physical warfare! Today I ate more food (company picnic) than I would normally eat in a week---and totally feel sick over it!

I know that I should adopt the NGAMO attitude, but I do feel guilt and lots of it....and to make it even worse I am planning to head to a sad movie [I am sad today and need a "reason" to cry] and eat an entire bucket of full on buttered popcorn.

However I am PLANNING on this being it. I am going to wake up transformed, the old Jolene back in place of this one and will be back on program, eating on the straight and narrow.

Churchill once said "When You Are Going Through Hell....Keep Going!" I PLAN TO KEEP GOING!

Eating My Way Through The Day

My day is in dire need of a Ctrl+Alt+Delete!

It all started with a shriveled up apple, a past-the-expiration date piece of string cheese and yogurt and some really nasty Trader Joe's spinach lasagna (this was all I could find in the house to take for lunch, since NO, I did not make it to the grocery store yet) and not a thing to eat for breakfast. This all set the stage for me to eat....and eat....and eat....and then eat somemore. Cake left in the breakroom became breakfast, I raided everyone's food drawers repeatedly throughout the day, and then Justin invited me for thai food for lunch (one cannot say no to thai food!) and then after that it just became a food free-for-all

Logically and rationally I know that I am eating as a direct correlation to major work stress, and to crowd out feelings that I do not want to feel---however I also know quite logically and rationally to not touch the stove when it is hot and that has not stopped me in the past!

I am really tired of being here in this exact spot....fighting the food whirlpool....but I do want to fight the good fight! So hitting Ctrl+Alt+Delete and will get right back on track for dinner (and may even find my way to the grocery store---trying to decide if groceries or clean clothes to wear tomorrow are more important?)

Rewind

Today I am wishing that I had one of these:



Mostly so that I could go back and make better life choices, make way better food choices and to go back to a time that life was good again. I wish I could erase that I have been out of the office for 11 straight days and not have to face the mountains of paperwork, bajillion emails and calls and a sad resignation letter that is on my desk.

Alas....in real life there is no rewind button! I am not looking forward to the very long day ahead, which after work must also include unpacking, laundry and grocery shopping---however the scale has me down 3 pounds this week so I am hoping that fact will help me overcome the stresses of the day.

Today's Blog is Sponsored By the Letter Z

Today's Blog is sponsored by the letter Z.....Z for Zonie time!

Thats right, I am in Goshen, home of the Amazing Annual Amish Luau. While I could go on and on about how much zonie time means to me, what being a zonie has brought to my life, or why I am willing to travel 2180 miles to the middle of nowhere (where I don't even have cell phone reception in my hotel room for gosh sakes!)I decided that even with changing names to protect the innocent that some things are just better left unsaid in a public forum.

So with that I sign off for the next few days to relish the fun, friendship, and fellowship that my fellow zonies bring. I will check in with you from San Francisco on Monday!

Vacation Day 1

Coach, and Burberry, and Georgio Armani OH MY! How I love thee Chicago and your Magnificent Mile!

Vacation day 1 did not start out the way vacations are supposed to....got bad news from work, and then ended up needing to do a work lunch. However I did get a chance to trapse down the Mag Mile and found time to fall in love with a new purse---until I saw the price tag $2450! Yikes...I have always had champange tastes on a beer budget

Ended up at Ralph Lauren Grill and was happily introduced to Bellini's by 2 handsome attorneys from Pittsburgh(and here I thought Pittsburgh was uncultured!) then my work lunch arrived and she was more than down with drinking our way through the afternoon---so Bellinis all day long! Got a chance to mourn the news I was given today and be able to relax and let go and enjoy the next part of my trip

I gave myself the day off from eating OP....which is a good thing since I am sure there are crazy mad points in the Bellini, let alone what I had for dessert...but overall I am happy I made it out of Chicago with nary a deep dish pizza slice nor Garretts Carmel Corn bag in sight. I am back on program, refreshed and refocused and ready to move on to the fun part of said trip!

Jerry comes into my Life........

I know I have previously shared that Ben & Jerry have been the two consistent men in my life over the years---today I got the honor of meeting Jerry in person! He was heavenly....almost as good as his ice cream! He was funny and witty and passionate about social justice and as soon as I saw that there was an ice cream reception with him as the keynote speaker I knew I was going (Phuleez...you had me at ice cream reception, meeting Jerry was just the cherry on top!)

I was lucky enough to be able to sit next to him during cocktails (mine a secretly disguised ice water parading as a vodka tonic....really wanted to have a vodka tonic but seriously there was ice cream coming people!) and got to overhear the conversations and insights that people shared with him pre-speech----best comment heard "You are personally the reason I took up marathon running"

His speeches and stories touched me....and reminded me of the commitment to the journey that I am on.....and I ultimately walked out with out any ice cream. Thanks Jerry for a nice afternoon---but please don't take it personally if I have to kick you and Ben out of my freezer to make room for my new life!

Checking In from Chi-Town

Checking in from Chi-Town....day 3 done and 2 more in Chicago before heading on to vacation. Eating has not been stellar, however I have avoided all deep dish Chicago pizza AND I have also managed to not eat my way through all of the temporary booths at the show (this is huge people as EVERY SINGLE BOOTH has food, candy, alcohol,etc that they are pushing on you...it is like costco samples on steroids!)

Also have not yet taken my workout clothes out of my suitcase, but I have walked everywhere and taken the stairs every time (and we are on the 13th floor of the merchandise mart) I seriously want to go out for a run....but it is freaking hot here people....how do you people live here?!?

Next Stop........Loserville!

Losing streak still intact, down 2 pounds this week and am hoping this will be the motivation I need to keep myself in check during the trip.

Plan One...packed workout clothes, use them this time!
Plan Two...No deep dish pizza---the trade off is that I get to have my special salad there(which is almost, but not quite as bad as the pizza)
Plan Three....No elevators, no buses....put in the miles and the stairs!


Final Thought....I AM in control of what I put in my mouth!

21 Days

Experts agree that it takes 21 days to change a behavior---today is DAY 21 of meatless behavior for me....and it feels so right! I have not had any cravings or "i want that" kinda thoughts, tho I have had some moments in restaurants where I thought oh I'll just have the usual and then I realized that ___________ has meat in it, and quickly went with another option.

And I have to give a shout out to Morningstar Farms fake sausage.....it ROCKS my world! I LOVE it WAYYYY better than regular sausage!

I hope that the experts are right---I have a trip to my favorite food city (Chicago...in a current tie with NYC)starting in the morning and I am a little worried about what I will be putting in my mouth----my commitment to being a vegetarian will still be going strong---but I am more than a little worried about my weight loss efforts!

Waging an internal war in my brain about whether or not to bring Fred (my laptop) on the trip....he has never traveled with me, even though he is a laptop. Part of me loves the freedom that unplugging brings and part of me wants to watch movies, play mafia wars and keep up on current events. If Fred makes the trip....I will be checking in and keeping you posted on the [potential] food sins and pitfalls...if not, see you on August 3rd!

INSPIRING?

So, for the past 20 weeks I have been embarking on a little something called the 20 in 20 (catchy title eh?) with some of my weight loss peeps and we are very close to wrapping it up. As a part of that, I sent them all a final thought email today to remind them how much they have inspired me, comforted me, cajoled me, and ultimately brought me “home.” Shortly thereafter, I received a response from one of them that implied that they didn't feel like they had done much to inspire me. Because I am a firm believer in that you never know when or how you will inspire someone……I feel the need to tell them/illustrate this some more!

My 20 in 20 peeps....I hope you know beyond a shadow of a doubt how VERY much you have inspired me and touched me with your lives, each and every one of you----and in case you ever need to know, just ask.....I have a long laundry list for each of you which I thought about sharing here but in the end decided was just too personal for my blog!

And as far as inspiring those around you when you don't even know it----Case in point for me….twice this week I have had someone tell me that I was inspiring. The first time was in a text, I was told that I was very caring and I inspired others around me to be more so….. I would never have used the word caring to describe me as I am the original evil snarky bitch….but nice to know that others think so! Then yesterday I was stopped in the hallway at work after changing into my exercise clothes (yes I change at work or else I would NEVER go to class) and a co-worker told me that I was a total inspiration to her and that my dedication to weight loss and exercise had created a huge shift in her way of thinking (wow!)

I do have one final INSPIRATION shout out.....to my friend Donna. I am so INCREDIBLY inspired by your determination to get your MBA and know how much hard work you have put in---even when the rest of your life may have been in turmoil. Your commitment to your family, your job, your faith, and your exercise while putting in the hours to turn out your Masters Thesis has inspired me beyond words! The end is so near that you can taste it! CONGRATS!

DANGER....Random Thoughts Ahead

Okay....this is now the 4th blog post that I have written tonight.....all of them about different topics but can't seem to get any of them just the way I want them. Perfectionism is rearing it's ugly head.....and perhaps I have too many thoughts going on in the noodle tonight to make any one sound coherent.

So perhaps I will just share what I am thinking about:

This poem:
I found
in you
a home.

Your departure
left me a
Shelterless Victim
of a
Major Disaster.

I called the
Red Cross,
but they
refused to
send over
a nurse.

(because I really love the first line)

This quote: When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty. ~Woody Allen

(because I had never seen it before.....and what if it is true???)

This food:
Garretts Popcorn
Deep Dish Chicago Pizza
(because I am worrying about my upcoming trip to Chicago....and how I will do food wise)


Must shut down brain now....before it short circuits.....or before the men in white suits come to get me!

Sunday in Seattle

The journey of a thousand miles begins with one small step…..some days the journey between me and my mother feels like a thousand mile gap. However, yesterday I took a small step.

Picked her up on the Eastside (don’t even get me started on how much I dislike driving to the Eastside, 405 SUCKS!) then drove to downtown Seattle and had the quintessential Seattle day, complete with the normal marine layer providing clouds and cool air until about 3:00pm when the sun finally made an appearance.

We went to Pike Place Market and watched fish being tossed, flowers being made into beautiful bouquets, sampled many a fruit and veggie and enjoyed the many artists and handicrafts. I was bummed that none of the farm stands had any plulots (my favorite fruit) but found a new favorite thanks to the eager Josh (who let me touch, smell, taste and thump all his fruit!) called a plumegranate….mmm, mmmm good!



Then we wandered over to see the great Seattle Gum Wall (I do have a reputation for taking visitors to unusual places) which is both cool and gross and since I have previously shared my pack a day habit (of gum) I had to add to the collection



Next up was the waterfront in all its many splendors and we wandered and shopped and worked up an appetite for some amazing Thai---who knew tofu could rock that much??

Left Seattle and went to stop in where my Father is interred and then I had to introduce her to Menchies (my go-to place for comfort food!) and they even had the mysterious much talked about Red Velvet Cake flavor….it was lick the cup good (but I was in public)



We managed to avoid MOST of the potential landmines…..my weight, my hair, my life….but I still came away licking a few wounds---until I turned on my phone and had many missed messages of friends checking in on me to make sure I had survived the day (thanks you guys!) and it reminded me that you can’t pick your family but you can pick your friends---and I have the cream of the crop!

Full Circle

It occurred to me today while standing on the scale [yes, I am one of those daily weigh-ers!] that I am almost exactly at the same weight that I was last year at this time (which is fairly defined in my brain because of the luau)....normally this thought would totally depress me and start a chain reaction of eating/feeling gulity/feeling bad about my lack of consistency/eating some more
--HOWEVER--
This time around I feel as though I have come full circle and I am no longer going to beat myself up about the past or worry about the future but instead I am going to live in the present moment.

I realized that I am NOT the same woman that I was a year ago (which is both good and bad)

In the past year I:
~realized that I had the courage inside me to say "this isn't working for me"
~Let myself be free enough to allow some others in
~Took big risks which brought big rewards
~Allowed myself to realize that I am not totally defined by the word "mom" and while I am still hard at work on this realization, I am making forward progress
~Gave myself some time off for good behavior

Now that I have come full circle it is time to start heading down the scale and following my dreams! My book may still be yet unwritten but I am kinda liking this summer's chapter..............

I'm A Loser Baby

Yup, that's right....I'm a loser baby....and happy to be back on the losing track! Down 2 pounds this week :)

Beautiful......Just Beautiful

I have been thinking a lot lately about beauty, societal defined beauty, and what one sees in the mirror. I have never felt beautiful EVER in my life, not once, even on days when I have had professional help---but this past week I have had tons of people telling me how pretty I look, and did I do something different?[ummm no!]

In fact, one of my best friends told me last weekend after I had returned from my vacation that I looked better than I ever have before (and she has seen me at my best and thinnest.) My co-worker told me it was the tan, she said everyone looks skinnier and prettier with a tan....which I do have a tan but what I decided after some serious pondering was that beauty really comes about from love, laughter and cutting yourself some slack.

Instead of being my own worst critic, I want to be able to look at vacation pictures without cringing, and want to learn to love the woman in the mirror....because really even though she may not look like Paris Hilton, she may have more to offer than she gives herself credit for.

This line was posted in the zone today and it really spoke volumes to me....."I'm really working the last few days on realizing that it is just my weight, while healthwise it needs to go down, it does not define ME as who I am and what I am."

Perhaps I can find a way to define myself that has nothing to do with the size of my ass....and remember how pretty I felt while laughing said ass off.

That having been said, my mother is in town so whatever inner beauty I might be feeling or challenging myself to feel will be out the window in the first few seconds upon seeing her. While I love my mother dearly, she is not the best for my self-esteem. The last time I visited her, within 5 minutes of being in the car while still at the airport she had managed to insult my hair, my weight, my clothing and my personal life choices. (Hooray for mothers everywhere!) \

Hopefully this time she will see what everyone else has seen this week---the tanned, newly defined, happy woman in the mirror!

A G.O.A.L.(?)

Yesterday, when I logged on Facebook, one of my weight loss peeps (Theresa) had one single word to say...."GOAL" What concerns/perplexes me is that it took me far, far too long to figure out what she meant [and I knew how close she was and have been logging on for the past few Tuesdays knowing it is her weight loss day] Now that I have it figured out, I am so thrilled for her....but can't help but think/focus/obsess on the word and the action

I am worried that I have lost touch with the whole weight loss journey~and yet on the otherhand I am potentially elated that food no longer seems to have the hold over me that it once did. I have been around this weight loss "thing" for the past decade.....moving two steps forward and one step back in a constant intimate dance of joy and anguish.....and what has been looping around in the noggin today over and over is will I ever get to goal, what does goal look like, and most importantly why haven't I ever gotten there??

I have been a part of the zone, particularly the 100+ board, as either lurker or participant since its inception and I have been overly blessed to know most all of the people who have gotten to goal in "real life" and while I adore them all....I wonder what is the difference between them and I? None of them seem to posess any special powers, none of them seem to have wanted it more, and I am going to go out on a limb and say that I don't think any of them have figured out the secret to the universe. So what is it????

What I do know from observing them in their natural habitat, and logging many a mile on a Sunday with them....is this---they know that this is for a lifetime, they know how to ask for help, and they know that it takes getting up at least once more than times you fall.

So....here is my goal----I want to stop thinking about this and in the words of my shoes JUST DO IT---I want to break out of this pattern of losing and gaining and losing and gaining some more and I want to head confidently in the direction of my goal weight, knowing that it will be scary and hard and will take patience and courage and a warrior spirit.

Theresa~Thank you for inspiring me with your persistence and your grace.....and I hope beyond hope that you will be welcoming me to the club someday!

This is my message to you-ou-ou

"Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right.
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"

Rise up this mornin',
Smiled with the risin' sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', ("This is my message to you-ou-ou:")

Singin': "Don't worry 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."
Singin': "Don't worry (don't worry) 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"

Rise up this mornin',
Smiled with the risin' sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', "This is my message to you-ou-ou:"

Singin': "Don't worry about a thing, worry about a thing, oh!
Every little thing gonna be all right. Don't worry!"
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing" - I won't worry!
"'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."

Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right" - I won't worry!
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing, oh no!
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!

This was our "theme song" for the week....of course I am musically challenged so I am working on learning the whole thing and not just two lines....but it is amazing how something so simple can worm its way into your brain. I AM ACTUALLY STARTING TO BELIEVE THAT EVERY LITTLE THING IS GONNA BE ALRIGHT!

To Meat or Not to Meat, That is the Question

I LOVE animals, really I do....I have a kinship with Otters, grew up with a menagerie of cats, dogs, mice, hamsters, quail and the like, I got to hold a turtle's life in my hands this past week and I have a newfound appreciation for bunnies after this weekend. So it comes to no surprise to ME that after 41 years on this planet I decided to become a vegetarian, however for my friends, family and co-workers this seems to evoke laughter, amusement and a general sense that I have lost my mind.

Perhaps it is because I was the one who always ordered her food "still mooing" or didn't lose my stomach at a plate full of raw, bloody pieces or maybe it is because I have a reputation as not being an animal lovers [this is from my kids, and in my defense I was a single mom of 3 and no way was I taking care of another living breathing thing!]or perhaps 41 is a bit old to start to develop a social conscience

However, this is something that I have been thinking about for awhile, just didnt want to tell anyone in case I couldn't pull it off. I like to think that it is a small step towards reducing my carbon footprint, but more likely it is about figuring out the puzzle of me.....my life is still unwritten and now that my major chapter is over I need to quickly figure out what I want the rest of the pages about me to say

AND.....if that is not enough of a reason, how about a DOUBLE DIGIT weight loss my first week as a vegetarian! WHOO~HOO!

Long, Strange Trip

Lately it occurs to me: What a long, strange trip its been! Haven't been here in awhile because somehow in the hustle and bustle of a life less ordinary, I forgot who I was....and even worse, I lost my "voice"---the voice that loves to talk, the voice inside my head, and especially the voice of reason!

I got caught up in the soundtrack of my life, the one that after being boiled down and carefully analyzed states in a nutshell YOU ARE NOT WORTHY.....and so for the past few months I have been having a pity party for 1 and became not worthy. I "do" unworthiness in many ways, but it especially resonates in my food [for I am a food addict and it is what I know] I like to find opportunities to create pain for myself like killing myself in the gym only to eat an extra 500,000 calories so that I can turn around and do it again and again and again

I ate a lot of warm from the oven chocolate chip cookies---the entire batch in one sitting, multiple times---and found lots of ways to binge and purge (minus the messy vomiting.) I paid for several races this year and didn't even bother to get out of bed. I pushed a lot of good people in my life away because I was afraid to see the depth of my pain reflected in their eyes

---BUT---

I have been blessed in this life with many people who never gave up on me. My friend Betsy, in particular, always believed in my ability to recover my voice and even told me that I could just whisper. She gave me the gift of a lifetime this past week, in the form of a "golden ticket" and through that gave me a chance to find a voice, I am not quite sure it is my voice yet but I now believe that it could be.

My week away involved magical fireside chats, sunshine, blissful floatie hours, stars, fireworks, a wish satellite, and the unconditional love and openness of many....to those who came along for the ride and shared the magic I just wanted to use my newfound voice to say THANK YOU xoxoxo

The Saggy, Baggy Elephant

So....I have raised 3 children[which virtually means I have no fear!]and I have been through all sorts of clothing fads with them....and I survived the big hair, neon, leg warmer era of the 80's.....but none have been so offensive as the baggy pants craze. If I had a dime for everytime I yelled at my son and his friends to pull up their pants, I would be a very rich woman today.

However this morning it struck me as I was getting dressed for work, that all my clothes were getting to big and baggy....and suddenly the baggy pants craze makes me a very happy woman!

The Men in My Life

There is NO surer sign of Spring (especially in Seattle where we have rain until July 5th)for me than the annual unveiling of the new flavors of Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream.

Ben and Jerry have been the long standing men in my life [even longer than Justin who will have been my friend for 25 years this september] and I have never missed an unveiling....the hunt through the neighborhood grocery stores for all of the flavors, figuring out how far I may need to drive to find that last one, determining my personal favorite and seeing which would become my freezers allstar, finding out if they have used one of my suggestions [yes, I have submitted suggestions for new flavors....hasn't everyone?] and the thrill of potential victory as I *may* find one that beats my personal favorite, New York Super Fudge Chunk (I am a NYC girl after all!)

Here are this years new 6:


Here is the kicker though....this year I have a new attitude and I live on "a new street" and I haven't had Ben or Jerry in a VERY long time and I don't intend to start now. Luckily for me, none of this years contenders seems worth missing, with the exception of Milk and Cookies which could be a winner....but I will never know!

In fact, ice cream seems to have lost its power over me....and I have kicked Ben and Jerry to the curb for a new man named Menchies (a healthy frozen yogurt joint that has moved to town). If you haven't met him yet you have to check him out. In fact, I think I may go for a run and earn myself some Menchies later today!

Turbo Kick

Tried a new class tonight.....Turbo Kick And let me tell you....turbo kick kicked my ass! Cross, Jab, Hook, Uppercut---I felt like I was in a rockem sockem robot adventure

Have you tried Mud Runs....whoa those are hard...But let me tell you...I can roundhouse with the best of them....and you don't wanna mess with me!

Top Ten Things Learned on the Way to NOT Becoming the Biggest Loser

10. When waiting outside in the rain and cold for upwards of 10+ hours, bring, at the minimum an umbrella (just because we do not use umbrellas in the Pacific Northwest does not mean that they do not exsist.)

9. Always make sure to capitalize on all possible money making possibilites (the guy in front of me and I schemed for hours on the best way to make money off of the 5000 people strong line, then he stole my idea left the line and made a costco run to bring back and sell muffins,coffee and waters...last time I saw him he was at least $250 richer.)

8. Be open to the possibility of making it all the way (I never believed in myself enough and that shows!)

7. Be willing to do ANYTHING and not worry about how you look, sound, or come off as (you say evil snarky bitch like it's a bad thing....)

6. Build alliances early, but never forget it is a game! (my alliance proved critical as her having stolen applications early in the day during a "bathroom run" was the only way I made it inside.

5. The cell phone is a marvelous invention....and I never would have survived without mine. Thanks to all of you who talked, texted and kept my energy up during the ENTIRE process!

4. When the producer asks you what you are good at....have an answer....and more than one thing. You gotta be all that plus the bag of chips and know how to use it baby!

3. When you do not get chosen, do not act like a beauty school dropout and go into a tailspin. You did not let anyone down but yourself, your friends, family, coworkers and etc love you for you...not the possiblity of seeing themselves on TV in a background clip

2. Remember the experience and put it away as a story to tell your grandchildren someday but live in the here and now.....build your weight loss "mafia" and learn from others who have been there, realize it is okay to ask for help and know every single day that you are worth it!

And David Letterman's Top Life Lesson Learned.......

1. NEVER, EVER be at the weight that qualifies you to try out for the Biggest Loser again (I do not care that the twins, Bill and Jim who went on to win both the $250,000 and $100,000 prize had to try out THREE times before making it) USE THIS AS A CATALYST FOR CHANGE!

Have I changed...am I still walking down a different street? YOU BET! I have listened more and shared less, I have journaled with a friend and as a closet eater this is huge for me, and most of all I am down 10 pounds since this whole journey started!

Peace Love Zumba

Peace...Love...Zumba

So it finally hit me most of the way in to hour 2 of my two hour Monday night Zumbathon, there in the midst of being drenched in sweat, during the middle of a Shakira song (yes, my hips dont lie!) that I stopped caring what I looked like, what other people thought about me, stopped being a mother,a workerbee, neurotic female type A personality and became one with the music, the beat, the roomful of other happy zumba-ers and found pure bliss. That's right, you heard me correctly....this 40-something lifetime exercise avoider found joy on the dance floor.

I hope you all find something that gives you that feeling of joy, no matter how fleeting!

"The Delicious"

So last weekend I finally gave in to the lure of facebook (had a cool group form while auditioning for Biggest Loser[more stories about this coming soon!] and wanted to keep up with them) and then while trying to see what Mafia Wars was all about (still don't know because I couldn't get past the name screen) I had to figure out a mafia name (because Jolene is just not villainous enough) so I went to the Sopranos Mafia Name Website and apparently my Mafia Nickname is: The Delicious. This cracks me up for two reasons.....one, it has food undertones (Tony Soprano really does know me afterall) and two, it makes all the times I told someone to "bite me" worthwhile.....because I AM "The Delicious"....if you mess with me you might come away with a wierd taste of chocolate and 100 calorie treats!

Now I know that Tony Soprano really isn't watching me....however it was quite a blow to have a "food name" come up for a nickname (so much so that I still haven't gotten past the name screen....yes, I could pick something else but...) and it has me thinking about how much food rules my life. As a food addict, I think, dream, breathe, and process in food. It is one of the first things I think about and while finishing one meal I am already thinking about what I am going to eat next, I even "speak" fluent food. As my 'new normal' I am trying to get this under control and put food in the category it belongs....as fuel for my body to function but not as a end all be all and certainly not as an entertainment, comfort, lover and friend! I have many wonderful role models in this quest, lots of friends who have lost over 100 pounds and kept them off---Marina, Nick, Nicole, and Kris to name a few, plus many more who are on this journey. Need to remember that food is just food. SO TAKE THAT TONY SOPRANO!

The New Normal

Well Hello

Haven’t seen you awhile! I know I know….first I was busy working two jobs and then the earth tilted and I fell off my axis as seismic life changes shook me to my core and I lost (or forgot) who I was inside and the voice that I had disappeared and then lately I was busy having a major pity party for one. However I have picked myself up shook myself off and learned to whisper again thanks to good friends and some interesting life lessons along the way.

My trip back from the dark side made me realize that this is the new normal…...


Today’s new normal involved a brownie [and my friend Betsy tossing her cookies]. So, it was doughnut Thursday (ugh!) and to make matters worse there was a potluck that I had to attend. Luckily, in my honor, they made it healthy (all sorts of yummy salads and fruit) until it came to dessert, which (wait for it) were brownies. And not just any brownies mind you….the MOST awesome looking brownies that I had ever seen (and I've seen a lot of brownies in my life if you kwim)…and made from scratch (not really a word in my kitchen vocabulary!) and did I mentioned that they were frosted, because they were…with at least an inch of frosting on top. So I was sitting there formulating a plan (read panicking!) and having an internal war on whether or not to just have the damn brownie or to stick with my prearranged plan to eat my 60 calorie sugar free jello dark chocolate pudding and the evil twin was saying just have it, you can have just one and the (very, very tiny) good side of me was saying no just have the pudding and I thought to myself why can’t I just have the brownie like a normal person AND then it hit me…..I am not a normal person when it comes to food……I am a food addict and if I would have had the brownie with everyone else it would have led to me having “just one more” and then sneaking back into the lunchroom after everyone was safely back at their desk to “sneak” just one more and then it would have led to me stopping at the grocery store on the way home to buy a brownie mix so that I could make them tonight and eat the whole pan in the comfort of my own home, so no I could not just have one.

HOWEVER, I probably would have had “just one brownie” if earlier in the day I hadn’t read Betsys blog post about tossing her cookies---buying the cookies, smelling them, driving almost home with them, convincing herself that she could eat just the one she had allotted herself---before pulling into the rest area and throwing the whole box away. It gave me the strength that I needed to eat the pudding, be happy and let go of all of the comments about how ultimately delicious the brownies were. Thanks Bets, I needed that!


Does it mean I will never eat another brownie? No, but it means that I won this battle and will be suiting up (literally in my exercise clothes for class tonight) to ultimately fight the war. This is my new normal!


Reminded me of this poem that is one of my favorites:

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

by Portia Nelson

I

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in.

I am lost...I am helpless

It isn't my fault.

It takes forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don't see it.

I fall in again.

I can't believe I am in the same place,

but it isn't my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it is there.

I still fall in...it's a habit.

my eyes are open.

I know where I am.

It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.


I AM WALKING DOWN ANOTHER STREET---why don't you join me, I could use some friends on this new street in this new neighborhood, in this community!

True Confessions Tuesday AKA Just Call Me Judith

My True Confession Tuesday is this.....I feel like this lately:

I have been eating stellar even though temptations beckon at every turn: s'mores and grilled cheese last Friday at work, Carrot cake for the birthday celebrations this week, the doughnut thursdays.....you know the usual! However I have resisted---what I have been doing though is becoming a total monster.

I know it is partly fueled by exhaustion, partly by cranky customers at both jobs, partly by financial worries, the general woes of the world, lack of exercise, and other varied random excuses (frankly it might be the lack of chocolate) however I feel cranky and totally and utterly like Judith

I do NOT want to be a slave to food, I do not want to spend my days thinking about the golden arches, making a run for the (taco bell) border or the cheesecake factory.....I want to be happy again.......I want to enjoy life with out being a addicted to the next bite, lick or taste.......Help, Calgon take me away!

I SHOULD be estatic today---I have been waiting on pins and needles for 4 things to come through and 2 of the 4 of them happened today---hallelujah! However my material hunger for a damn krispy kreme or reeses peanut butter cup or hot fudge sundae is clouding my vision. Time to take off the food goggles, take a hot bath and get a good nights sleep....after all, tomorrow is another day!

Weekend Update

Live from New York.....It's Saturday Night (Okay so it's live from Seattle and its really Sunday----a girl can dream right!) Here is your week in review from the Weekend Update Desk (yes I am a SNL fan....even won the ticket "lottery" when I lived in NYC and got to go to a taping)


Monday....The Monday Project this week is to come up with 5 reasons why we "totally rock" Sadly I cannot think of even 1 reason why I totally rock, but I did try to think of some things that I am good at:

1. I am a good researcher---I love to know WHY---and thus love to look stuff up...I totally don't believe that curousity killed the cat!
2. I am a good instructor---while I do NOT have the patience of a saint, I do have a life long love of learning and carry my enthusiam across to others. This is why I am a good step/zumba instructor and would totally rock as a weight watchers leader if I could ever get to goal.
3. I am a good listener/sounding board/problem solver
4. I can see the "forrest through the trees" Give me a big picture scenario and I can immediately see the smallest details that need to get done....I am a great party planner (and in another lifetime I am sure I was a wedding coordinator)
5. I believe in karma, which is why I believe I am a good woman who tries hard, wants to save the world, and looks out for the underdog (although lately my superhero cape needs a change!)
This was HARD....we are so much our own worst critics! I could have totally come up with triple the list of what I suck at!

Tuesday: True Confessions Tuesday...see previous post for my sins this week!

Wednesday: Weigh In Wednesday....in spite of crashing and burning last weekend, I did get back in the game right away and managed to lose all that I gained plus 2 count em 2 lovely pounds! WHOO~HOO!

Thursday: The Thursday Three...This weeks 3 is three things that motivate us during workouts----My 3 are:
1. Group classes....I like to know others are suffering with me!
2. The thought of my goals, and tangible things like picturing me in a bathing suit
3. Rewards! I like to reward myself for exercise goals so that I keep it up---the bottom line for me is that I need to move it to lose it!

Friday/Saturday/Sunday:
One word: WORK, WORK, and more WORK! In my day job we are in our busy season and it has been non-stop action, and in my side job tax season is heating up so I am feeling the burn.....but the paychecks will be nice! My dh had 4 interviews this week so I am hopeful that something will pan out and my side paychecks can go towards something fun instead of bills...I am dreaming of a lovely cruise down the Mexican Riveria complete with umbrella drink in hand!

Thats all I got this week....peace out peeps!

CRASH...and...BURN

Crashed and burned....yes, this in a nutshell was my trip to Dallas! It is True Confessions Tuesday and they say that confessions are good for the soul SO.....here goes:

"Hi, my name is Jolene and I am a closet eater." Yes, my friends not only did I consume enough calories to feed a small country (behind closed hotel doors of course) I also did not so much as even touch my workout clothes or stick to any of my pre-planning. So much for working the program! On a positive note however, I have already gotten back on the horse and shed those pounds gained! Also, I think not "officially" weighing until Friday is one of the best ideas that I have had in awhile.

I am not really sure what my trigger was....besides stressful 12 hour work days, images of Haiti the only thing on the television, having to eat out as my only option for food, and the isolation of traveling alone---however I am hoping by writing my way through this I will be better able to navigate the future travels that I have planned for March.

I think that the seductiveness of not being caught eating can rear it's ugly head for me in a heartbeat....I can eat more food in one sitting than most people eat in days (truly!) I used to stop for fast food before going home to dinner and not think twice about eating two meals plus dessert. I have not done that in a while but the memories all came floding back while in Dallas. I did however resist the siren song of the McDonalds that was a block away.....but it was touch and go!

I know I can do this but some days I just want off the roller coaster ride---I have invested so much time and energy and money and emotional turmoil into "dieting" over the past decade and some times I just want it all to end but then I remember that I am worth it, this is about my health and my life and I will get to the top of this mountain no matter how hard the climb!

Whew....I guess confessions are good for the soul! Now 5 hail marys and hours in the gym and it will be like I never ate the pasta, pizza, chocolate, bread pudding, cannoli, etc.

Off to exercise through the Biggest Loser show!

i have a DREAM

"I look forward confidently to the day when all who work for a living will be one with no thought to their separateness as Negroes, Jews, Italians or any other distinctions. This will be the day when we bring into full realization the American dream -- a dream yet unfulfilled. A dream of equality of opportunity, of privilege and property widely distributed; a dream of a land where men will not take necessities from the many to give luxuries to the few; a dream of a land where men will not argue that the color of a man's skin determines the content of his character; a dream of a nation where all our gifts and resources are held not for ourselves alone, but as instruments of service for the rest of humanity; the dream of a country where every man will respect the dignity and worth of the human personality."

RIP Martin Luther King....thank you for standing up for those who had no voice and envisioning a life that you could only dream of.

Words (of Wisdom) AKA Motivational Wall

Let me start by saying I *heart* words....I think they are HOT and very much a turn on in my world. I mean really---juxtaposition, uber, fantabulous....how can you not love these? I am SO not a creative person and while I like photos and colors and sights the written word has always been where my passion lies, so it goes without saying when I read the Monday Project this week that my Motivation Wall would be filled with words!

Odd though how one of my favorite things (words) have such a seedy dark side as well....maybe a bit like me! I was thinking [while in front of the mirror where I always say bad words to my reflection] about the power of words to hurt---- big words like FAT, UGLY, STUPID, MORON, RACISM, DEATH, DIVORCE, TAXES.....you get my drift. I would like to take the sting out of these more and take away their power....I guess I would settle for saying less bad words to myself!

For my motivation wall I used words and quotes found from the magazines collecting dust in my powder room and am building an elaborate mural on my bedroom wall centered around a large calligrapy quote of LOVE CONQUERS ALL....in lieu of pictures (I am technoillerate---plus I cannot find a USB cord for my camera) I thought I would share my words with you:

Stays on Track.New Body.Rule the Gym.Ignite your Relationship with Running.New World.For Once Celebrate a Losing Season.This time It's Personal.Discover.BRING IT ON.Blogworthy.Passion you can taste.Champion.Get Off the Roller Coaster.Be Flexible.Happy Feet.Reinventing Awareness.sound mind sound body.STRONG.high five.happy.the more you move the more it works.Are you ready?.wish you were here.create your beautiful.nice legs.set off sparks.WARRIORS.sexy year.WILD RIDE.nice booty.lose weight.unstoppable.I am beautiful on the inside.From fat to FIT.Biggest Loser.Feel Fabulous.Ready to Rock.Rock your own Anthem. ROCK AND ROLL.
"We all grow into the beautiful person that we're supposed to be"

I will be gone until Sunday night....in the meantime, leave me some words!

Weigh In Wednesday

That's right....I am a loser again! I am heading to Dallas in the morning so decided to weigh in a couple of days early and coincidentially be right on time for Wednesday Weigh-in in the hood.
DOWN 3 POUNDS!
Nervous about travel eating while away for 4 days but I have a plan, have my running shoes packed and am throwing some OP snacks in both my checked and carry on luggage and it is only 4 days......

T-I-R-E-D

This is how I feel...too tired to think, too tired to eat (this for me is really tired!) and too tired to feel! I am beyond exhausted from working two jobs but I think I am really more mentally tired, tired of worrying what will happen next and what is around the next corner in both this journey and in my life. I hate to admit it but I am a control freak at heart and I do not like not knowing what is coming next. I like neat orderly control...but alas life is not control-able. I am trying to focus more on one day at a time....sometime I can just get through one bite at a time and hang on from there.

I received an email today and it was if the author had read my mind! She said "I've had a lot going on in my head the past few days (a.k.a. noodling), and have been feeling very overwhelmed. I need to stop looking at the big picture, and just take this journey one small chunk at a time." She challenged us to look at what one step we could take in the next 30 days to keep going on this journey.....I SO needed that today!

I am still thinking about my 30 day challenge---I need it to be doable in my life the next 30 days (and realistically I have a 4 day trip to Dallas this week and am working two jobs) so that I won't be discouraged if I fail (so exercise may not be a good challenge as time is at a premium) but I also want it to be challenging (like a water goal wouldn't be challenging as I am the water queen and drink buckets daily!)

Ideas Anyone???

Loser

I'm a loser baby....that's right, first weigh in of the year. I am down -6 today! YEA! Was a little worried that my body would rebel as I haven't been to the gym since Sunday due to the 14 hour days this week however I am happy with 6. Gotta love water weight!

ThE mOnDaY pRoJeCt PaRt DeUx

Okay....here's the story....No, MY story!

Actually I will spare you the gory details, most of them found elsewhere here in previous posts....but it boils down to the nitty gritty. I am still a FAT forty-something woman who has been focused on the 'fat' roller coaster ride for the past decade, sometimes up, sometimes down, have been as close as 26 pounds from goal and over the past decade have gained and lost and gained and lost HUNDREDS of pounds! I wish I knew the Why of it but although I have a lot of theories I have no real answers.

For the Monday Project though I am choosing to look at the positives of my journey thus far. In 2009 I lost 43 pounds and kept them off. I discovered how much I love exercise and have found a wide variety of them that I have continued to this day. I crossed the finish line of a 5K, 12K and a 1/2 marathon and have my sights firmly planted on doing the full marathon this June. I made new friends through my weight loss efforts both on-line and in real life. I learned some new lessons along the way~the most important of which is that this is not a diet it is a whole new lifestyle and while it is hard it is important to remember which hard you want to choose. I CHOOSE the hard that makes me struggle to walk out of the kitchen on doughnut Thursdays, I choose the hard that makes me revert to my girl scout path "being prepared" by packing my lunch bag before I leave for the day and counting and journaling the points Versus the hard that hates what she sees in the mirror, the hard that makes walking up the stairs a struggle, the hard that doesn't love herself enough to put the fork down.

I am working on finding peace and love and acceptance of the skinny girl inside of me desperately trying to get out so that this go round in 2010 will not end in self sabatoge and a fear of success. I have some new plans in place to catch me when I'm falling and a renewed passion to enjoy this journey and so with every step and every squat, lunge and pushup I will fight the good fight and do the warrior dance!

I have shared some *gasp* before photos in my previous Monday Project post and look forward to sharing some after photos someday soon!

Whale Vs. Mermaid

I love this! Thanks Bets for the smile today.....

WHALE VS.MERMAID



Recently, in a large city in Australia ,
a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym.
It said, "This summer,
do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

A middle-aged woman,
whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster,
responded publicly to the question
posed by the gym.


To Whom It May Concern,
Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans.)
They have an active sex life,
get pregnant and have adorable baby whales.
They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp.
They play and swim in the seas,
seeing wonderful places like Patagonia ,
the Bering Sea
and the coral reefs of Polynesia .
Whales are wonderful singers
and have even recorded CDs.
They are incredible creatures
and virtually have no predators
other than humans.
They are loved, protected and admired
by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don't exist.
If they did exist,
they would be lining up outside the offices
of Argentinean psychoanalysts
due to identity crisis. Fish or human?
They don't have a sex life
because they kill men who get close to them, not to mention how could they have sex?
Just look at them ... where is IT?
Therefore, they don't have kids either.
Not to mention,
who wants to get close to a girl who smells
like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me:
I want to be a whale.

P..S. We are in an age
when media puts into our heads
the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver, and a piece of chocolate with my friends.
With time, we gain weight
because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads
that when there is no more room,
it distributes out to the rest of our bodies.
So we aren't heavy,
we are enormously cultured,
educated and happy.
Beginning today,
when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, "Good grief, look how smart I am!"

Neverending Days

I am not 20 anymore! Burning the candle at both ends just isn't as easy anymore at my age. Word of the day...Exhausted!

Working two jobs sucks....let's face it, working one job sucks so two is just double the suckdom.....but in my attempts to remain positive I will focus on the good---some people have no job and I have two...how lucky I am! [no that is not a trace of sarcasm in my tone!]

The down side to this week is that there has been no gym time but I have been very OP!

OH HAPPY DAY!

Word of the day.......EXULTANT
Hubs Bisopy results finally back~it's not cancer, just an abcess [although "just" is probably not the appropriate word here as this little medical malady set us back thousands but to worry about that another day] OH HAPPY DAY!

Thinking happy thoughts today........besides "It's Not Cancer" here are some other happy words to get----Will you marry me, It's a Boy(or) Girl, You got the job, You are cured, I now pronounce you Mrs._____, Congratulations you won the lottery, Bon Voyage, and You lost weight this week!

My random list of happy things:
Chocolate.Sunshine.Umbrella Drinks.Sunsets.Happy Mail.Flowers.The music of Queen.Otters.Rainbows.Zonies.Amish Luaus.Zumba.Biggest Loser.Babies Who BelongtoOthers.Daughters.StarryNights.Sons.Mydogs.AGoodBook.PJDays.Naps.Waterfalls.
Oceans.Cruises.Crushes.TheGratefulDead.SFFFMilkshakes.CreativeConversations.
ABlueMoon.Traveling.PixieDust.FiberOneKeyLimePieYogurt.DrMcDreamy.GoodRealityTV.
Silence.Friendships.Holidays.Kisses.Walkingonthebeach.Smiles.LasVegas.Losing.ME

ThE mOnDaY pRoJeCt

Is it Monday? No! Am I thinking about the Monday Project? Yes....and have been ever since Melissa emailed it to me (thanks!) Here it is in it's long form:
So, let’s ask the tough questions.
What about 2009 (and beyond) did not work? What were my goals? Did I fall short of achieving them? If so, why? What were my biggest obstacles? What were my patterns? What was my “rock bottom” moment? What are my bad habits? Sit down and think about each question and answer them as fully and completely as you can in your mind. Target your patterns and obstacles that have impeded your efforts in the past, the potential hazards for this time around. Is it sweets at work? No support from your family? No motivation to work out because it’s too early or too late? Eating at night? Emotional eating? Negative self-talk? Are you stuck? No time?
Then, take a look at 2009 and beyond and think about what did work. Because you don’t want to fix what ain’t broke. If something worked for you, if you felt progress somewhere, found successes, (because along the journey there are a million tiny victories, many of them non-scale related!), what were those? All of your victories are a very big deal! Give yourself a high five, out loud, to everyone!
The part three of this project is to work out those bugs from 2009. For anything that didn’t work, think about your proposed solutions to the issues. And I say “proposed” because this is all one big experiment. They could change at any time because not everything works the way you want it to. And that’s ok! This is a journey. Not an immediate fix. These things take time. This is a work in progress.
Now, go about your days this week thoughtfully, consciously and aware of all these questions and when you find yourself in a “situation” where there is the potential for your efforts to be derailed, you’ll think, “Oh yes! This is what she meant! Here’s one of those obstacles!” And if you don’t know the answer to how to fix one of your aforethought struggles and/or habits, this gives you time to find out some solutions.
And when you’re ready, sit down and write out your thoughts. Finally, post your story, complete with a “Before Picture” (which is entirely optional. But I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours! It can be your Before, it can be your “right now” if you’re somewhere in the middle of your journey, it can be both.) Thinking....and Thinking.....and Thinking.........
While I am thinking~here are some of my motivating "before" pics

Phototime

A BRAVE new day

So....we were having this discussion in chat last night about being brave vs. being a chickensh*t and it would appear that I am the only that thinks that we are brave (me, the negative snarky one!) and I do~think we are brave. In fact, I believe that we are all brave wise wonderful human beings who deserve good things----and do the best that we can with what we have at the time. (Okay who is this and where is Jolene???? lol)

Van Gogh said "WHAT WOULD LIFE BE IF WE HAD NO COURAGE TO ATTEMPT ANYTHING."

So in the spirit of bravery....my definition of bravery is:

• The ability to be yourself (after all everyone else is taken)
• The ability to get out of bed everyday and keep going usually with a smile on your face especially in light of this uncertain economic world
• The ability to keep going back OP increasingly in the wake of many failed attempts
• The ability to know that you are powerless to control what happens to your children/teenagers/grown children, yet you keep doing the right things anyways even when it hurts (and it usually does!)
• The ability to face Mr. Scale on a weekly or sometimes daily basis even when we know we won't like what it says
• The ability to live in a world where food is vital, necessary and everywhere, yet it remains our addiction of choice
• Drinking all of our daily recommended 64 ounces of water and not know where all the bathrooms are in a mile radius (you may laugh---but you know what I mean!)
• Being the largest person in your fitness class and learning to not worry what everyone else thinks because you have just as much right to be there
• Getting on the dreadmill or the bike or the eliptical or which ever piece of equipment you hate when you are tired or sore or busy or _____________(fill in the blank excuse) because you made a commitment.

This and so much more (serving our country in the military, working in a demanding public service job or working with difficult hard to serve populations, fighting for world peace, etc) is MY definition of bravery.

My RAH for the day was two-fold....I went to a new zumba class to support a first time instructor in her endeavors and I brought a bag of clothes from my closet to the dv shelter because I know they are always in low supply of larger clothes. The look and smile and gratitude I got from Jackie (the new instructor) made my whole week!

Exercise today....6-8 miles walked with walking group (I love Sundays and the ability to catch up on the minutia of our groups lives) and 1 hour of Zumba

Word for the day...SORE! (drat those bar curls from yesterday!)

Signs....(of the Apocalypse?)

I have to be honest.......this is the first New Year's that I didn't feel that "rush" of adreneline that accompanied most of my New Years to start my "diet" HOWEVER there were plenty of signs that led up to me getting back on track:

• Without asking, I received both a "cute" workout outfit [I have NEVER owned a cute workout outfit---secretly wanted one but was afraid I might turn into one of those uber-perky bleached blonde gung-ho skinny minnie gymrats, pardon the stereotype!] AND a basket of 1 pt treats for Xmas
• My SIL arrived at our house for Xmas having lost over 250 pounds and looked stunning at goal....it was really like a Biggest Loser just walked in the door. My dh(it is his sister) actually drove past her at the airport as he did not recognize her. It is a major kick in the as$ when the person whom started doing weight watchers because of you(me) and whom at the time was way too large to wear any of your hand-me-downs shows up bringing you a massive amount of XL clothes that she has outgrown. While my wardrobe appreciated the boost, it was a sting that has got me fired up!
• I ran into my doctor at Panera (much better place than sitting in those stupid paper gowns) where I *was* ordering bagels and cream cheese along with muffins and pastries and she goes "Wow Jolene I haven't seen you since you did the 1/2 marathon how did it go?" with the silent eyes giving me the once over and it was not how I wanted to look the next time I saw her
• My good friend, who has been around this weight loss thing for a while but has been taking a scenic route, finally 'got her head in the game' and lost 15.5 pounds during the month of December. I was offering (mostly unwanted) advice and support along the way but felt I couldn't really talk the talk if I wasn't walking the walk
• Last but certainly not least, my dh has been very ill in december and has had to have a plethora of poking and prodding and massive tests and seeing his high blood pressure and other tests come back reminded me of how extremely proud I was of my blood work this summer and I want that feeling for all time. I NEVER want to worry about..............fitting into restaurant booths, if the chair will hold me, if I am impacting my health, if I will be the one to make the elevator or ride exceed the weight limit. I WANT to be a role model, a fit and healthy 40 something woman who runs circles around my life!

However probably the biggest sign is that today when my alarm went off (wayyyy to early for a Saturday) I got up with out complaint put on aforementioned cute work out outfit (no, it didn't change me!) and went to a 2 hour class at the gym during which there were moments that I thought I would die but lived to tell the tale!

I do want to share that my friend (same one from above----I really have NO friends which is why I am so afraid of facebook I would be the only one there with no one to friend me) has inspired me this year to think of Random Acts of Hope. I have been feeling very hopeless lately [which is that whole 6 months of not blogging...I have been very negative and feeling like I am just waiting to be put out to pasture] I think as a direct result of my dh being out of work for 4 months now and on a bigger level the ending of raising children and a new era in my life. So as a direct result of more Bets in my life and reading the book 30 gifts in 30 days (or something like that) I have decided to try and implement RAH into my life~Today I brought an extra bottle of water to the gym to give to a newbie (knowing since it is January that the gym would be full of them!) and talked to some people before class. It wasn't life-changing or earth shattering but I did get a smile and make someones day.

My word for the day---Hopeful!

Rethink Your Shrink

Check this out! Totally COOL......I love their attitude (and lets face it I can use all the help I can get!)

1. Sort out your food plan. Will you count calories? www.sparkpeople.com is perfect for that. Will you count points on Weight Watchers? (That one helped me break through a plateau.) Will you do Body for Life? Bob Greene’s Diet? Find an eating plan that you will most likely stick to. Then, go purge your pantries and your fridges. Go stock up on the good stuff. And if you’re not logging your food online, we highly recommend a food journal. It’s a big pain in the butt at first to log each calorie and each food, but it’s so worth the hassle in the end! And it helps you to pinpoint poor eating habits like snacking at night or that 3pm Mountain Dew (hubby!)
2. Get your workouts in order. Are you going to Shred? Are you going to run? Walk? Spin class? Do you have a run training plan? Do you have an athletic event to get ready for? Find one! Go sign up for a run that takes place in 7 weeks (www.active.com). Or find a DVD that takes 30 days to do, like Jillian’s 30 day shred or the EA Sports Active 30 day challenge! And then, literally write your workouts into your day and week for the next 7 weeks. Because if you don’t set aside the time for yourself, someone else will steal your time and for the next 7 weeks you have to make YOU a priority! I’ve seen it happen, everyone wants my time!!! BUT NO! I claim a 30 to 60 minute window MINE each day! MINE MINE MINE! You are worth it. Let me repeat: You are worth it.Start giving yourself back some of your worth by giving yourself back some of your own time. Find the best time for you and set it aside and let everyone know you’re serious about it because otherwise that mom/wife/sister/daughter guilt will set in and you need support at home! If you haven’t worked out in a while, talk to your doctor and get a quick checkup and physical. (Disclaimer: we are not doctors or fitness experts! We recommend things that have worked for us and we share our own experiences, that’s pretty much it. The doctors are the real professionals, we’re just here for support! But we do mean business! I’m just sayin.)
3. Finally, join join join! Have you joined our forum over at The ‘Hood? We post recipes, talk about exercising and gear, show off our pictures, cuss like truckers (just kidding. Sort of.) and chit chat. We’re also on Twitter and we tweet all day long (when do we have time for anything else!) We are also on Daily Mile where we log our workouts and send each other motivation and high fives. You can log anything from walks to rides to runs to swims and the all-encompassing “other”. And here’s a hint — we may have a mini-challenge using Daily Mile really soon!
Yes, we at The Sisterhood of the Shrinking Jeans want to infiltrate your entire life and mind so that we can help you reach your goal, whether it’s to run a 5k, maintain your current weight, lose 10 pounds or lose 100. We had some amazing successes and milestones here and we want you to be one of them! And when you do reach milestones, we have pretty little buttons for you to have for your blog! They’re BRAND NEW! Here, these are badges of honor. (When you reach these milestones, we will tell everyone, so make sure you let us know when you do!)
So, starting today, right now, go weigh in. Post about it on your blog. No, you don’t have to post your weight on your blog (I don’t, are you crazy!?) You can just post pounds lost on your blog. But since we’re a “safe place”, please do leave your weight in the comments below and post a link to your blog. (We won’t tell anyone!)
Besides weighing in, there is only one mandatory rule for the next 7 weeks: THERE IS NO NEGATIVE SELF-TALK! NONE! Did you know it takes 12 positive statements to counteract just one negative one? So whenever you find yourself talking nasty to yourself, turn it around. Find the positive. If you feel frustrated, think about something good you’ve done. If someone compliments you, ACCEPT IT! Do not say, “THIS OLD THING??” If you say you can’t, show yourself you can.

****I L-O-V-E this last part....NO NEGATIVE Self talk******I am SO my own worst critic so if you hear me saying anything negative kindly remind me of this MANDATORY rule and help keep me on the straight and narrow!

In a wierd but cosmically good twist my oldest dd just stopped by the house while I was writing this and brought me a gift (who would have thunk it?) It is a silver ring that says inside Be Brave and on the outside says LOVE LIFE.....so karmaically good! I do love her even though she is not walking the path that I wanted for her---letting go and allowing our children to make their own mistakes is such a bit*h!

Sorry for the long post......but I want you to know that I am Committed---or need to be :)

Clean Slate....or is it Clean Plate?

I love New Years Day......It is a clean slate, a fresh new beginning, the world is alive with possibilities. What will I do this year, who will I become, Who will I love, Who will I meet, What will I discover~It is all out there awaiting me, like a giant present from the universe that I have yet to unwrap all beautifully wrapped with a giant bow.

Okay yes, this is already the third post from me today......can you tell that I am trying not to eat?

Honestly though....what do you want to accomplish in 2010?

While realistically I will not be curing cancer anytime soon I do have some big plans for 2010:

I want to get to my goal weight (duh! That is what this whole blog is for, my life as a weight watcher)
I want to complete a marathon....not just any marathon, to be specific the Seattle Rock n' Roll Marathon on June 26th, 26.2 miles......this is also my youngest childs 18th birthday so it is the end of an era in my life, it will be the symbolic "full circle"
I want to finally figure out who and what I want to be.....time to grow up! I have dusted off my GRE testing guides and graduate school may be in my future~but only time will tell
I want to let go of some hurts/slights/traumas of my past, some perceived and some real scars but I want to open up my heart to the delightful world that is out there and not be too busy building walls that I cannot let it in
I want to make a difference in the world......maybe for just one person, but now that I have done the hardest job in the world (raise three children) I need to find something that fulfills me

I think this is a start........looks like I have some work to do huh? Baby steps!

One Final Farewell to 2009

I stole this from Nicole who saw this on The Daily Mel blog, and thought it would be a fun way to say goodbye to 2009!

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
Exercise.....umm seriously I had never even walked a mile before (okay maybe a mile but really when you looked up Couch Potato in Websters there was a picture of me)

2. Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
No, I did not get to goal [really it was supposed to be lose the weight in 2008 which then turned into look fine in 2009 which is now....no words for 2010]but I have lost 43 pounds in 2009 which will help me get there this year!

3. How will you be spending New Year’s Eve?
I spent it mourning the loss of my best friend food ie. shoveling my face with all of the foods I plan on not eating in 2010......and saw a movie and watched the fireworks at the Space Needle with dh.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, knock wood!

5. What countries did you visit?
I love that you think we are world travelers! I did however visit Dallas twice, Chicago twice, Las Vegas and Los Angeles in 2009

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
More friendships

7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
June 27th~Rock and Roll Baby!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Crossing the finish line

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not opening myself up to the possibilities of happiness and good things

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Knocking on wood again that none of my exercise injuries were serious or career ending

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Roxie~My Red Moxie Mobile (A Kia Rio)

12. Where did most of your money go?
Bills and Teenagers

13. What song will always remind you of 2009?
I've got a Feeling

14. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Laugh, Love and Enjoy Life!

15. What do you wish you’d done less of?
EAT!

16. What was your favorite TV program?
The Biggest Loser

17. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No. Can't remember hating anyone since High School

18. What was the best book you read?
Too many to pick just one

19. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Zumba Music!

20. What was your favorite film of this year?
The Hangover

21. What did you do on your birthday?
Worked Out with my walking group, went out to lunch, grocery shopped and got sick from Msg (big fun!) However the day before had an EXCELLENT day which included the *best* hot rock massage ever and the Melting Pot ('nuff said!)

22. What kept you sane?
Exercise and Food

23. Who did you miss?
My new online friends whom I met in real life and who live much too far away! I still miss them!

24. Who was the best new person you met?
Too many to name but Zonies are the best!

25. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009:
Good Judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgement........or that it is okay to want to kill your teenagers sometimes!

Welcome 2010

Yes, It is me......I know I have not been here since this summer---my reality is that I really haven't been ready to break up with my best friend food. I like her, she likes me and I"know" her if you kwim! Alas, the good times MUST come to an end. Yes, chocolate and cookies and krispy kremes (oh my!) your time has come and it is a new year (finally!) and a new decade and I have a new attitude~

This new attitude has been forged under great duress and I feel like I have walked through a valley of fire to get where I am today but like carbon that becomes a sparkling diamond under great pressure and intense heat [otherwise known as that which doesn't kill me only makes me stronger] I WILL get back to the sassy, snarky me that I used to know

That having been said, no more looking back! I am on the Project 100 train [lose 100 pounds by 1/1/11] and the engine has left the station. I have one day back fully op and I can do this. I can I really can [think, repeat, say aloud, scream from the mountain tops if necessary]

So like Steve Martin in It's Complicated says..............BRING.IT.ON!