Sunday, July 11, 2010

Long, Strange Trip

Lately it occurs to me: What a long, strange trip its been! Haven't been here in awhile because somehow in the hustle and bustle of a life less ordinary, I forgot who I was....and even worse, I lost my "voice"---the voice that loves to talk, the voice inside my head, and especially the voice of reason!

I got caught up in the soundtrack of my life, the one that after being boiled down and carefully analyzed states in a nutshell YOU ARE NOT WORTHY.....and so for the past few months I have been having a pity party for 1 and became not worthy. I "do" unworthiness in many ways, but it especially resonates in my food [for I am a food addict and it is what I know] I like to find opportunities to create pain for myself like killing myself in the gym only to eat an extra 500,000 calories so that I can turn around and do it again and again and again

I ate a lot of warm from the oven chocolate chip cookies---the entire batch in one sitting, multiple times---and found lots of ways to binge and purge (minus the messy vomiting.) I paid for several races this year and didn't even bother to get out of bed. I pushed a lot of good people in my life away because I was afraid to see the depth of my pain reflected in their eyes


I have been blessed in this life with many people who never gave up on me. My friend Betsy, in particular, always believed in my ability to recover my voice and even told me that I could just whisper. She gave me the gift of a lifetime this past week, in the form of a "golden ticket" and through that gave me a chance to find a voice, I am not quite sure it is my voice yet but I now believe that it could be.

My week away involved magical fireside chats, sunshine, blissful floatie hours, stars, fireworks, a wish satellite, and the unconditional love and openness of those who came along for the ride and shared the magic I just wanted to use my newfound voice to say THANK YOU xoxoxo

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