Today's Blog is Sponsored By the Letter Z

Today's Blog is sponsored by the letter Z.....Z for Zonie time!

Thats right, I am in Goshen, home of the Amazing Annual Amish Luau. While I could go on and on about how much zonie time means to me, what being a zonie has brought to my life, or why I am willing to travel 2180 miles to the middle of nowhere (where I don't even have cell phone reception in my hotel room for gosh sakes!)I decided that even with changing names to protect the innocent that some things are just better left unsaid in a public forum.

So with that I sign off for the next few days to relish the fun, friendship, and fellowship that my fellow zonies bring. I will check in with you from San Francisco on Monday!

Vacation Day 1

Coach, and Burberry, and Georgio Armani OH MY! How I love thee Chicago and your Magnificent Mile!

Vacation day 1 did not start out the way vacations are supposed to....got bad news from work, and then ended up needing to do a work lunch. However I did get a chance to trapse down the Mag Mile and found time to fall in love with a new purse---until I saw the price tag $2450! Yikes...I have always had champange tastes on a beer budget

Ended up at Ralph Lauren Grill and was happily introduced to Bellini's by 2 handsome attorneys from Pittsburgh(and here I thought Pittsburgh was uncultured!) then my work lunch arrived and she was more than down with drinking our way through the afternoon---so Bellinis all day long! Got a chance to mourn the news I was given today and be able to relax and let go and enjoy the next part of my trip

I gave myself the day off from eating OP....which is a good thing since I am sure there are crazy mad points in the Bellini, let alone what I had for dessert...but overall I am happy I made it out of Chicago with nary a deep dish pizza slice nor Garretts Carmel Corn bag in sight. I am back on program, refreshed and refocused and ready to move on to the fun part of said trip!

Jerry comes into my Life........

I know I have previously shared that Ben & Jerry have been the two consistent men in my life over the years---today I got the honor of meeting Jerry in person! He was heavenly....almost as good as his ice cream! He was funny and witty and passionate about social justice and as soon as I saw that there was an ice cream reception with him as the keynote speaker I knew I was going (Phuleez...you had me at ice cream reception, meeting Jerry was just the cherry on top!)

I was lucky enough to be able to sit next to him during cocktails (mine a secretly disguised ice water parading as a vodka tonic....really wanted to have a vodka tonic but seriously there was ice cream coming people!) and got to overhear the conversations and insights that people shared with him pre-speech----best comment heard "You are personally the reason I took up marathon running"

His speeches and stories touched me....and reminded me of the commitment to the journey that I am on.....and I ultimately walked out with out any ice cream. Thanks Jerry for a nice afternoon---but please don't take it personally if I have to kick you and Ben out of my freezer to make room for my new life!

Checking In from Chi-Town

Checking in from Chi-Town....day 3 done and 2 more in Chicago before heading on to vacation. Eating has not been stellar, however I have avoided all deep dish Chicago pizza AND I have also managed to not eat my way through all of the temporary booths at the show (this is huge people as EVERY SINGLE BOOTH has food, candy, alcohol,etc that they are pushing on you...it is like costco samples on steroids!)

Also have not yet taken my workout clothes out of my suitcase, but I have walked everywhere and taken the stairs every time (and we are on the 13th floor of the merchandise mart) I seriously want to go out for a run....but it is freaking hot here people....how do you people live here?!?

Next Stop........Loserville!

Losing streak still intact, down 2 pounds this week and am hoping this will be the motivation I need to keep myself in check during the trip.

Plan One...packed workout clothes, use them this time!
Plan Two...No deep dish pizza---the trade off is that I get to have my special salad there(which is almost, but not quite as bad as the pizza)
Plan Three....No elevators, no buses....put in the miles and the stairs!


Final Thought....I AM in control of what I put in my mouth!

21 Days

Experts agree that it takes 21 days to change a behavior---today is DAY 21 of meatless behavior for me....and it feels so right! I have not had any cravings or "i want that" kinda thoughts, tho I have had some moments in restaurants where I thought oh I'll just have the usual and then I realized that ___________ has meat in it, and quickly went with another option.

And I have to give a shout out to Morningstar Farms fake sausage.....it ROCKS my world! I LOVE it WAYYYY better than regular sausage!

I hope that the experts are right---I have a trip to my favorite food city (Chicago...in a current tie with NYC)starting in the morning and I am a little worried about what I will be putting in my mouth----my commitment to being a vegetarian will still be going strong---but I am more than a little worried about my weight loss efforts!

Waging an internal war in my brain about whether or not to bring Fred (my laptop) on the trip....he has never traveled with me, even though he is a laptop. Part of me loves the freedom that unplugging brings and part of me wants to watch movies, play mafia wars and keep up on current events. If Fred makes the trip....I will be checking in and keeping you posted on the [potential] food sins and pitfalls...if not, see you on August 3rd!

INSPIRING?

So, for the past 20 weeks I have been embarking on a little something called the 20 in 20 (catchy title eh?) with some of my weight loss peeps and we are very close to wrapping it up. As a part of that, I sent them all a final thought email today to remind them how much they have inspired me, comforted me, cajoled me, and ultimately brought me “home.” Shortly thereafter, I received a response from one of them that implied that they didn't feel like they had done much to inspire me. Because I am a firm believer in that you never know when or how you will inspire someone……I feel the need to tell them/illustrate this some more!

My 20 in 20 peeps....I hope you know beyond a shadow of a doubt how VERY much you have inspired me and touched me with your lives, each and every one of you----and in case you ever need to know, just ask.....I have a long laundry list for each of you which I thought about sharing here but in the end decided was just too personal for my blog!

And as far as inspiring those around you when you don't even know it----Case in point for me….twice this week I have had someone tell me that I was inspiring. The first time was in a text, I was told that I was very caring and I inspired others around me to be more so….. I would never have used the word caring to describe me as I am the original evil snarky bitch….but nice to know that others think so! Then yesterday I was stopped in the hallway at work after changing into my exercise clothes (yes I change at work or else I would NEVER go to class) and a co-worker told me that I was a total inspiration to her and that my dedication to weight loss and exercise had created a huge shift in her way of thinking (wow!)

I do have one final INSPIRATION shout out.....to my friend Donna. I am so INCREDIBLY inspired by your determination to get your MBA and know how much hard work you have put in---even when the rest of your life may have been in turmoil. Your commitment to your family, your job, your faith, and your exercise while putting in the hours to turn out your Masters Thesis has inspired me beyond words! The end is so near that you can taste it! CONGRATS!

DANGER....Random Thoughts Ahead

Okay....this is now the 4th blog post that I have written tonight.....all of them about different topics but can't seem to get any of them just the way I want them. Perfectionism is rearing it's ugly head.....and perhaps I have too many thoughts going on in the noodle tonight to make any one sound coherent.

So perhaps I will just share what I am thinking about:

This poem:
I found
in you
a home.

Your departure
left me a
Shelterless Victim
of a
Major Disaster.

I called the
Red Cross,
but they
refused to
send over
a nurse.

(because I really love the first line)

This quote: When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty. ~Woody Allen

(because I had never seen it before.....and what if it is true???)

This food:
Garretts Popcorn
Deep Dish Chicago Pizza
(because I am worrying about my upcoming trip to Chicago....and how I will do food wise)


Must shut down brain now....before it short circuits.....or before the men in white suits come to get me!

Sunday in Seattle

The journey of a thousand miles begins with one small step…..some days the journey between me and my mother feels like a thousand mile gap. However, yesterday I took a small step.

Picked her up on the Eastside (don’t even get me started on how much I dislike driving to the Eastside, 405 SUCKS!) then drove to downtown Seattle and had the quintessential Seattle day, complete with the normal marine layer providing clouds and cool air until about 3:00pm when the sun finally made an appearance.

We went to Pike Place Market and watched fish being tossed, flowers being made into beautiful bouquets, sampled many a fruit and veggie and enjoyed the many artists and handicrafts. I was bummed that none of the farm stands had any plulots (my favorite fruit) but found a new favorite thanks to the eager Josh (who let me touch, smell, taste and thump all his fruit!) called a plumegranate….mmm, mmmm good!



Then we wandered over to see the great Seattle Gum Wall (I do have a reputation for taking visitors to unusual places) which is both cool and gross and since I have previously shared my pack a day habit (of gum) I had to add to the collection



Next up was the waterfront in all its many splendors and we wandered and shopped and worked up an appetite for some amazing Thai---who knew tofu could rock that much??

Left Seattle and went to stop in where my Father is interred and then I had to introduce her to Menchies (my go-to place for comfort food!) and they even had the mysterious much talked about Red Velvet Cake flavor….it was lick the cup good (but I was in public)



We managed to avoid MOST of the potential landmines…..my weight, my hair, my life….but I still came away licking a few wounds---until I turned on my phone and had many missed messages of friends checking in on me to make sure I had survived the day (thanks you guys!) and it reminded me that you can’t pick your family but you can pick your friends---and I have the cream of the crop!

Full Circle

It occurred to me today while standing on the scale [yes, I am one of those daily weigh-ers!] that I am almost exactly at the same weight that I was last year at this time (which is fairly defined in my brain because of the luau)....normally this thought would totally depress me and start a chain reaction of eating/feeling gulity/feeling bad about my lack of consistency/eating some more
--HOWEVER--
This time around I feel as though I have come full circle and I am no longer going to beat myself up about the past or worry about the future but instead I am going to live in the present moment.

I realized that I am NOT the same woman that I was a year ago (which is both good and bad)

In the past year I:
~realized that I had the courage inside me to say "this isn't working for me"
~Let myself be free enough to allow some others in
~Took big risks which brought big rewards
~Allowed myself to realize that I am not totally defined by the word "mom" and while I am still hard at work on this realization, I am making forward progress
~Gave myself some time off for good behavior

Now that I have come full circle it is time to start heading down the scale and following my dreams! My book may still be yet unwritten but I am kinda liking this summer's chapter..............

I'm A Loser Baby

Yup, that's right....I'm a loser baby....and happy to be back on the losing track! Down 2 pounds this week :)

Beautiful......Just Beautiful

I have been thinking a lot lately about beauty, societal defined beauty, and what one sees in the mirror. I have never felt beautiful EVER in my life, not once, even on days when I have had professional help---but this past week I have had tons of people telling me how pretty I look, and did I do something different?[ummm no!]

In fact, one of my best friends told me last weekend after I had returned from my vacation that I looked better than I ever have before (and she has seen me at my best and thinnest.) My co-worker told me it was the tan, she said everyone looks skinnier and prettier with a tan....which I do have a tan but what I decided after some serious pondering was that beauty really comes about from love, laughter and cutting yourself some slack.

Instead of being my own worst critic, I want to be able to look at vacation pictures without cringing, and want to learn to love the woman in the mirror....because really even though she may not look like Paris Hilton, she may have more to offer than she gives herself credit for.

This line was posted in the zone today and it really spoke volumes to me....."I'm really working the last few days on realizing that it is just my weight, while healthwise it needs to go down, it does not define ME as who I am and what I am."

Perhaps I can find a way to define myself that has nothing to do with the size of my ass....and remember how pretty I felt while laughing said ass off.

That having been said, my mother is in town so whatever inner beauty I might be feeling or challenging myself to feel will be out the window in the first few seconds upon seeing her. While I love my mother dearly, she is not the best for my self-esteem. The last time I visited her, within 5 minutes of being in the car while still at the airport she had managed to insult my hair, my weight, my clothing and my personal life choices. (Hooray for mothers everywhere!) \

Hopefully this time she will see what everyone else has seen this week---the tanned, newly defined, happy woman in the mirror!

A G.O.A.L.(?)

Yesterday, when I logged on Facebook, one of my weight loss peeps (Theresa) had one single word to say...."GOAL" What concerns/perplexes me is that it took me far, far too long to figure out what she meant [and I knew how close she was and have been logging on for the past few Tuesdays knowing it is her weight loss day] Now that I have it figured out, I am so thrilled for her....but can't help but think/focus/obsess on the word and the action

I am worried that I have lost touch with the whole weight loss journey~and yet on the otherhand I am potentially elated that food no longer seems to have the hold over me that it once did. I have been around this weight loss "thing" for the past decade.....moving two steps forward and one step back in a constant intimate dance of joy and anguish.....and what has been looping around in the noggin today over and over is will I ever get to goal, what does goal look like, and most importantly why haven't I ever gotten there??

I have been a part of the zone, particularly the 100+ board, as either lurker or participant since its inception and I have been overly blessed to know most all of the people who have gotten to goal in "real life" and while I adore them all....I wonder what is the difference between them and I? None of them seem to posess any special powers, none of them seem to have wanted it more, and I am going to go out on a limb and say that I don't think any of them have figured out the secret to the universe. So what is it????

What I do know from observing them in their natural habitat, and logging many a mile on a Sunday with them....is this---they know that this is for a lifetime, they know how to ask for help, and they know that it takes getting up at least once more than times you fall.

So....here is my goal----I want to stop thinking about this and in the words of my shoes JUST DO IT---I want to break out of this pattern of losing and gaining and losing and gaining some more and I want to head confidently in the direction of my goal weight, knowing that it will be scary and hard and will take patience and courage and a warrior spirit.

Theresa~Thank you for inspiring me with your persistence and your grace.....and I hope beyond hope that you will be welcoming me to the club someday!

This is my message to you-ou-ou

"Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right.
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"

Rise up this mornin',
Smiled with the risin' sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', ("This is my message to you-ou-ou:")

Singin': "Don't worry 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."
Singin': "Don't worry (don't worry) 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"

Rise up this mornin',
Smiled with the risin' sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', "This is my message to you-ou-ou:"

Singin': "Don't worry about a thing, worry about a thing, oh!
Every little thing gonna be all right. Don't worry!"
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing" - I won't worry!
"'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."

Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right" - I won't worry!
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing, oh no!
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!

This was our "theme song" for the week....of course I am musically challenged so I am working on learning the whole thing and not just two lines....but it is amazing how something so simple can worm its way into your brain. I AM ACTUALLY STARTING TO BELIEVE THAT EVERY LITTLE THING IS GONNA BE ALRIGHT!

To Meat or Not to Meat, That is the Question

I LOVE animals, really I do....I have a kinship with Otters, grew up with a menagerie of cats, dogs, mice, hamsters, quail and the like, I got to hold a turtle's life in my hands this past week and I have a newfound appreciation for bunnies after this weekend. So it comes to no surprise to ME that after 41 years on this planet I decided to become a vegetarian, however for my friends, family and co-workers this seems to evoke laughter, amusement and a general sense that I have lost my mind.

Perhaps it is because I was the one who always ordered her food "still mooing" or didn't lose my stomach at a plate full of raw, bloody pieces or maybe it is because I have a reputation as not being an animal lovers [this is from my kids, and in my defense I was a single mom of 3 and no way was I taking care of another living breathing thing!]or perhaps 41 is a bit old to start to develop a social conscience

However, this is something that I have been thinking about for awhile, just didnt want to tell anyone in case I couldn't pull it off. I like to think that it is a small step towards reducing my carbon footprint, but more likely it is about figuring out the puzzle of me.....my life is still unwritten and now that my major chapter is over I need to quickly figure out what I want the rest of the pages about me to say

AND.....if that is not enough of a reason, how about a DOUBLE DIGIT weight loss my first week as a vegetarian! WHOO~HOO!

Long, Strange Trip

Lately it occurs to me: What a long, strange trip its been! Haven't been here in awhile because somehow in the hustle and bustle of a life less ordinary, I forgot who I was....and even worse, I lost my "voice"---the voice that loves to talk, the voice inside my head, and especially the voice of reason!

I got caught up in the soundtrack of my life, the one that after being boiled down and carefully analyzed states in a nutshell YOU ARE NOT WORTHY.....and so for the past few months I have been having a pity party for 1 and became not worthy. I "do" unworthiness in many ways, but it especially resonates in my food [for I am a food addict and it is what I know] I like to find opportunities to create pain for myself like killing myself in the gym only to eat an extra 500,000 calories so that I can turn around and do it again and again and again

I ate a lot of warm from the oven chocolate chip cookies---the entire batch in one sitting, multiple times---and found lots of ways to binge and purge (minus the messy vomiting.) I paid for several races this year and didn't even bother to get out of bed. I pushed a lot of good people in my life away because I was afraid to see the depth of my pain reflected in their eyes

---BUT---

I have been blessed in this life with many people who never gave up on me. My friend Betsy, in particular, always believed in my ability to recover my voice and even told me that I could just whisper. She gave me the gift of a lifetime this past week, in the form of a "golden ticket" and through that gave me a chance to find a voice, I am not quite sure it is my voice yet but I now believe that it could be.

My week away involved magical fireside chats, sunshine, blissful floatie hours, stars, fireworks, a wish satellite, and the unconditional love and openness of many....to those who came along for the ride and shared the magic I just wanted to use my newfound voice to say THANK YOU xoxoxo